Following a week of almost unbelievable events, Dumbrella’s newest member Steven Cloud found himself at the center of a controversy some people called “career-ending” and “impossible to even fully understand while retaining any semblance of sanity.”

Cloud, whose age and race are unknown, released the following statement to the press by sliding it under the heavy, steel door of his apartment, which has been locked for nearly two weeks. Though he has declined to identify the other occupants of his 24th-story apartment, high-tech imaging does indicate the presence of three life forms inside the dwelling, two of which are human. The other is of indeterminable species or gender.

The note, written in reverse-Braille using an obscure, unpronounceable, dead language, simply stated, “Leave us alone. This I command.”

Though the deafening, shrill screams that screech from his apartment continue day and night, officials claim their legal hands are tied. “He’s protected by his Freedom of Expression,” a White House spokeperson said, “which we are desperately trying to eliminate.”

It must be noted that the sounds that come from his apartment can only loosely be described as “screams.” “Scream” is in fact a belligerent understatement. The sounds this reporter heard on the street literally made him briefly consider jamming his pencil into his eardrum in order to ensure he would stop and never again hope to listen to a noise so infuriatingly diabolical.

More details as events unfold…

This entry was posted on Monday, January 23rd, 2006 at 11:34 pm and is filed under Scandals. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.