Happy Halloween, you dirty Deadites.

Poor “SQUEAKS”. Dead at the age of not-even-one due to an unfortunate blogging incident. Another great webcartoonist cut down before his time. Donations to the American Hamster Society may be made in his name.

Jeffrey Rowland, two-fisted boy wonder of Dumbrella, is currently having a mantle installed next to his dollar-sign-shaped swimming pool to make room for a new award — Best Overall Dumbrella Comic for 2005 in the category of Overall Excellence and Superiority.

The Semi-Annual Dumbrella awards (AKA Dummies) were held recently in the usual manner - completely at random and in absolute secrecy.

Jon Rosenberg, creator of Goats, refused to comment on Rowland’s dominating victory. A spokesperson for Rosenberg said “what do you expect? Jeffrey Rowland makes everybody else look like chumps.”

The award for “Longest Title” went to Boy on a Stick and Slither, which narrowly beat Andrew Bell’s Creatures in My Head.

John Allison’s Scary Go Round won “Best Comic Sometimes Drawn on Computer and Sometimes on Paper.” Said Allison, “bollocks to the lot of you.” Sam Brown’s exploding dog took home the trophy for “Most Unpredictable Schedule.” Brown sneered at onlookers before returning to the sewers.

Jon Rosenberg’s Goats‘ award for “Best Livestock-Themed Sci Fi Comic” was revoked after it was discovered that Rosenberg’s hair had grown longer than official Dumbrella regulations, which calls for a maximum of 4″ unless the member is growing one of those Jedi rat-tails.

Noticably absent from this this year’s awards was R Stevens, whose Diesel Sweeties won last year’s Dummy for “Best Comic That Looks Like It Was Made on a Nintendo But Actually Made on a $5000 Computer.” Stevens is believed to be developing a new food product, a bacon-wrapped, batter-fried, chocolate-dipped jumbo hot dog.

Following a week of almost unbelievable events, Dumbrella’s newest member Steven Cloud found himself at the center of a controversy some people called “career-ending” and “impossible to even fully understand while retaining any semblance of sanity.”

Cloud, whose age and race are unknown, released the following statement to the press by sliding it under the heavy, steel door of his apartment, which has been locked for nearly two weeks. Though he has declined to identify the other occupants of his 24th-story apartment, high-tech imaging does indicate the presence of three life forms inside the dwelling, two of which are human. The other is of indeterminable species or gender.

The note, written in reverse-Braille using an obscure, unpronounceable, dead language, simply stated, “Leave us alone. This I command.”

Though the deafening, shrill screams that screech from his apartment continue day and night, officials claim their legal hands are tied. “He’s protected by his Freedom of Expression,” a White House spokeperson said, “which we are desperately trying to eliminate.”

It must be noted that the sounds that come from his apartment can only loosely be described as “screams.” “Scream” is in fact a belligerent understatement. The sounds this reporter heard on the street literally made him briefly consider jamming his pencil into his eardrum in order to ensure he would stop and never again hope to listen to a noise so infuriatingly diabolical.

More details as events unfold…

Cyberspace was rocked today with the news that wretched man-child and Dumbrella associate Andrew Bell was seen extinguishing a cigarette on the arm of a five-year-old boy.

The horror took place in front of dozens of spectators on a New York City subway. “He started smoking, and everybody just glared at him because you ain’t supposed to smoke on the subway,” says eyewitness Gloria Featherbottom. “Then he started screaming ‘what the f**k are you all looking at’ at us and he grabbed the boy’s arm and smashed the cigarette into the wrist.”

The boy, possibly a deaf-mute, apparently seemed unable or unwilling to communicate in any way. Eyewitnesses say the boy had no response to the act.

Construction worker Sal Hanson also witnessed the spectacle. “The weird thing was, the kid just kept smiling, you know? Like it wasn’t a big deal, like he’s done it a million times.”

“It doesn’t surprise me in the least,” admitted Dumbrella co-founder R Stevens. “You’ve seen the guy’s art, right?”